“When do you become a man?” This simple but profound question was posed by Shia LaBeouf in a recent interview on the REAL ONES podcast. It’s a question that has many men - not just Shia - puzzled. We know the exact moment that we get our driver’s license, graduate high school, or get married. Those milestones are clear cut. But what is not clear cut is when manhood itself begins. Without a formal initiation into becoming a man, many men are left wondering: “When does manhood start?”
Becoming a Man is not the same as becoming an Adult
It’s important to distinguish between becoming a man and becoming an adult. Legally, adulthood begins at the age of 18. This is when society grants individuals certain rights and responsibilities, such as voting and buying firearms.
However, becoming a man is not the same as becoming an adult. Why do I say this? Look at all of the examples of “adult males” (we won’t call them men) who are acting like boys. Andrew Tate is the first to come to mind. A generation ago, it was Hugh Heffner. Politics, sports, and Hollywood are replete with examples of adult males who are self-centered, hedonistic, and immature. They are not men. They are boys in a grown man’s body.
Becoming an adult automatically happens at the age of 18. But becoming a man is something different. Becoming a man is about character development and is not tied to a specific age.
What does it mean to be a man?
Before we can answer the question, when does a boy become a man? we first have to define what manhood is. As we already stated, manhood is not tied to age. That’s adulthood. So what does it mean to be a man?

Manhood is about behavior and values. A man is someone who takes responsibility for his actions, shows respect to others, and demonstrates integrity. A man respects the dignity of women at all times. A man thinks about others before himself.
These qualities are not automatically acquired with age but are developed through experiences and conscious effort. Some “adult males” never acquire these character traits and thus are perpetually stuck in a boyish “Peter Pan” phase.
Shia get’s close to this view of manhood in his interview. Here’s what he says: “You become a man when you become responsible for other people and part of that is taking accountability.” Interestingly, he also notes “I'm very new to this being a man thing, and I'm still not there.”
Boys will try to prove their manhood to themselves…
When a boy is not sure about this identity as a man, he will try to prove his manhood to himself and to his peers. Typically when a teenage boy tries to “prove himself” as a man, he is going to come up with a pretty poor test of manhood.
Manhood is Not About Losing Your Virginity. Many people mistakenly believe that losing one’s virginity is a rite of passage into manhood. How many men have said something like “She made a man out of me.” However, intercourse does not inherently change one’s character or maturity level. Manhood is not defined by sexual experiences. It is defined by the values and responsibilities one upholds.
Manhood is Not About Being Macho. Other boy’s will try to prove their manhood through physical violence. While men DO need to be tough, that is not the same as being a bully. Quite the opposite. Boys engage in physical violence to try to prove “who is the better man” are not proving their manhood; they are trying to numb their emotional insecurity with physical prowess.
Manhood is Not About Drinking Alcohol. Drinking alcohol is another milestone that some associate with manhood. However, the ability to consume alcohol does not reflect one’s maturity or readiness to handle adult responsibilities. True manhood is about making wise choices, not how some can “hold his liquor”.
…but it won’t work
Ultimately, boys can engage in these risky behaviors all they want – but they will won’t be a single step closer to being a man. Becoming a man is not something that they can “prove.” Here is how Shia puts it: “I grew up on a in a culture that told me going to war made you a man. Going to prison and coming back, coming back makes you a man. Making a million dollars makes you a man. And you don't know it till you done all these things and realized damn - I'm still a little boy.”
Not everything that boys do to “prove themselves” is bad. Getting a driver’s license, moving out of mom and dad’s house, getting a job, getting married, having children. These are all steps on the path of healthy manhood – but none of them will “make you a man”. They are steps along the journey, but they are not manhood itself.
Masculinity is Bestowed by Other Men
Manhood is not tied to age. Manhood is not something that is “earned”. So then how does a boy EVER become a man? Here‘s the key: masculinity is something that is bestowed.
Only another man can bestow manhood on a boy. This happens through mentorship, guidance, and the sharing of wisdom. Older men play a crucial role in helping younger men understand what it means to be a man.
The Role of Fathers
Fathers play an especially important role here. Most often, fathers are the first role models of manhood in a boy’s life. A son looks at his father, day in and day out, to see what it means to be a man. Words are important - “responsibility” and “accountability” are important things to talk to your son about; but it is far more important that he sees them actually lived out in his dad. That is how a boy truly learns – by impersonating his father.
When a boy knows that his father is his corner, ready to support him, and willing to be there for him through thick and thin, he will go through life very differently than his fatherless (or father-lacking) peers. He will show more love to those around him, because he has been shown love. He will be dependable towards others, because he knows that he too has someone to depend on. He will know who he is, where he came from, and where he is going.
Fathers have the unique ability to bestow masculinity on their sons. When a father looks his son in the eye and says, “I no longer consider you to be a boy, but you are a man like me,” it can be a powerful moment of affirmation and transition.
What is a Rite of Passage?
Traditionally, cultures from around the world have held rite of passage ceremonies to formally bestow manhood on their boys. Just like you know you have completed high school after your graduation ceremony, or you know that you are married after your wedding ceremony, a rite of passage makes it crystal clear when manhood begins. A boy knows that he is a man, because manhood has been formally bestowed on him.
These rituals often involve tests of endurance, skill, or bravery. One example of a rite of passage is the Maasai warrior initiation in Kenya. Young Maasai boys undergo a series of tests, including circumcision and living in the wilderness, to prove their readiness to become warriors. Other examples of rites of passage are the Jewish Bar-Mitzvah and the Australian Walkabout.
A Modern version of a Christian Rite of Passage
The mission of Milestone to Manhood is to re-instill the rite of passage tradition in modern culture. It is a weekend experience that is held when a boy turns 13. It is spearheaded by the boy’s father, but other male mentors (such as grandfathers, uncles and close family friends) are involved in the weekend as well.
The Milestone to Manhood weekend involves certain group activities or rituals for the group of men to go through together. Some group activities are designed to equip him with mentorship and wisdom that he needs as he enters into this new chapter in his life. Other rituals promote the giving of gifts to the boy, such as letters or a family heirloom. Most importantly, the weekend is designed to formally bestow the title of ‘man’ on the boy, so he can look back and know the exact moment that he became a man.
The Beginning of Manhood
Manhood begins when it is bestowed. When a father tells his son, “I no longer consider you to be a boy, but you are a man like me,” it provides a clear answer to the question that so many men – Shia LaBeouf included – are asking. Manhood is not about age, legal milestones, or societal expectations. It’s about behavior, responsibility, and the recognition from those who have walked the path before.
Comments